Living amongst the teens are we. I am glad I got to take a minute to sit down and think of a few good things to share about Sam. I am not disillusioned. She is bossy and cranky and a little argumentative and thinks she needs to control every single stinking situation, but she certainly hasn't fallen from grace, considering her affliction and all. Teenager.
Actually I can't even make anything of it. She's been a walk in the park. I spent last Friday with a crowd of 13 year old boyz and it was a little cathartic, to say the least. I came home in absolute awe of Sam. I gained a whole new appreciation for that girl.
Samantha asked me if I would do a biography for
her, . . . about her. I've been giving it a few dayz to try to reflect and
consider what I could say to put Samantha's life into the context of "what has
it all been about, thus far." I don't know if I will do this justice but I do
appreciate the opportunity to try. In 20 years from now I imagine this will
maybe stand as a little glimpse, a little glimmer, of what was to be. But as
for what has already been:
Samantha was the start of a lot of firsts. She was
born on the first day, of the first month, of the new millennium. She was also
the first of what would become our four children. But she was our first baby.
She sure was. We brought her home from the hospital to our house in Cottage
Grove. The first house that we owned. It was a little house and easy to have
straightened and put back together by 6:00 in the morning, even if I got up at
5:30. Which might suggest that I got a hint of sleep. Which I did not.
Samantha did not do well in the sleep department. We will have to give her her
first F for failing that subject. One night I rocked her to our "bedtime" cd 13
times, only to attempt to put her in her crib and have her come unhinged and
start the whole process over again. But we were learning and living and loving
each other. All of that time was important. At the time I couldn't remember to
put the milk in the refrigerator and the phone . . . Well, the phone was found
in the refrigerator more often than the milk. But she loved me anyway and I
remember all of the moments when we were together, and things were easy, and we
were figuring out that we all belonged to each other and that was how it was
supposed to be. She has always been such good medicine.
Samantha had a very keen interest in animals from
the beginning. We had gotten her a black goldfish for her bedroom; the kind
with the eyeballs that poked out on either side of its head. Samantha would
just sit in my lap and be content to watch him/her for what seemed like
forever. And her interest inspired me to have an interest. Honestly, I had put
the goldfish in her room as almost simply a decoration. But her interest made
me see something more in that little fish. Sitting there, with her in my lap,
focused on one thing, I learned how to be present in the moment. Something that
has always been present in Samantha is an incredible focus and a desire to seek
understanding for all of her interests. She has proven time and time again that
you cannot underestimate what you can gain in life from simple, quiet
observation. She reminds me everyday that curiosity is such a
blessing.
Samantha was supposed to go to daycare when I was
scheduled to return back to work. I knew I wanted to make a good choice about
placing her in a safe, caring daycare and I knew her being happy where she was
when I was away from her was my top priority. But there was still so much I
wasn't prepared for in that whole situation. My first day back to work was
sickening to me. At 10:00 the daycare called me to tell me that Samantha hadn't
taken her bottle, still. But I already knew she hadn't. I knew. And something
I knew about Samantha already was that she wouldn't compromise. She was
stubborn and determined. And for the first time I gave heed to recognizing
what it meant, in its entirety, to love someone so much and in the very same
instance be completely petrified for them. Samantha and I had developed so much
understanding and unspoken communication that being separated from her was
literally painful. All I could imagine was that she was left confused and
wondering and I didn't want to leave somebody I loved in that state. She
trusted me and I knew how much of an honor that was. So, for the first time in
my life, I quit something. I quit. There was only one thing I wanted to try
harder at. I told my boss I had to leave because Samantha needed me. I could
try to justify the hardship of being separated but a paycheck wasn't worth it to
me. Who knew? I thought I had to have a job and work and do those things, but
I found out how I really felt about all of that in a quick hurry. Two hours
back in the saddle and I abandoned the road for home. I hope that bond is never
broken. She has taught me to have faith and given me strength to practice my
beliefs. Regardless.
Samantha really educated me on how to be happy for
someone else. When she was barely four she was reading all by herself and
people would admire her and remark on how much of an accomplishment that was and
praise me. I had to defer to her because it was her accomplishment, not mine.
She had dedicated herself to discovering all she could about letters and
sounds. What began at 18 months, with her sounding out the sounds that her name
made and matching it to the letters on the cereal box, scribbling out "S" , "A"
, "M" , and then bringing it to me to ask, "Is this my name? Is this what makes
my name?" , set her on a path to discover more and more until she was just all
of a sudden reading one day. That really helped to shape how I feel about
pride. Taking credit for what she had done would have been robbing her. So I
think that was when I discovered what it was like to be a little bit of a
cheerleader and throw out some enthusiasm and a little encouragement and then
sit in the shadows and see which direction the game went. It is such a
rewarding moment to get to witness your children tackle something and come out
ahead on the other side and you sit and realize, "This is who they are. That
was all of their own doing. Wow." She has such a talent for bringing joy and
sunshine into our family. Yay! You did it!!
Samantha has grown to just a little over 5 feet
tall, as of recently, and she is quiet and can be shy, but there are moments I
would have mistaken her for 6 foot tall and bullet proof. She is kind and
caring and fair and compassionate and yet so brave and steady and sure. From
the position of a parent, I realize how lucky I am in her. From the perspective
of a person, I feel so privileged to get to know her. I appreciate her
humble, unassuming nature. I admire her try. I adore her good heart. I feel
at home with her sweet soul. Good things are going to happen in this world
with her around. She's a "goodie", that one, for sure.
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