January 14, 2014
Dear Miss Morgan,
There's a lot that seems to go unsaid these days.
You're 12 now and understand so much more about the world and are more and more
aware of the impact that you have on your surroundings. Asking me to write a
letter "about" you seems difficult to me. So, I'd rather just address you,
directly. The innocence you have and the parts of you that are unaware. I am
writing this letter to those parts of you. And I'm thankful for this
opportunity to maybe share a few ways in which you have impacted
me.
Combing through all of the people I have come
across in my life you stick out readily as somebody who really "gets it." The
parts of you that are still unaffected and oblivious will eventually mesh into
the whole landscape of who you are as a person. As a parent, I've been blessed
with the projected confidence, you've been generous enough to share, that
whatever the situation may be, today or tomorrow, you will be fine. You'll be
okay. That is one of the biggest blessing a parent can have. You'll learn what
you need to learn and put what you need to in your knapsack heart and let the
rest slide right off of your strong back. You reaffirm that sometimes by giving
me a carefree shoulder shrug. I might be trying to impress the world of
difference upon you and you show me that you've taken what you needed and
discarded the rest and then you're done with it all and ready to move on. You
get that from your Dad. As frustrated as it makes me, it takes me to school and
I try to learn. It is very telling of who you are and I'm blessed to be able
to experience how healthy your spirit is.
I love to watch you around friends and people
outside of our family unit. I love watching the effect you have on others. You
are a walking litmus test for which I have become very amused to witness. You
were born with a very bright light. Whenever I get a chance to see you in a
crowd I am in awe of how you effect people. I am reminded of the beauty of
complete presence and the blessings of your sincere, natural self. Your laugh
is amazing baby. It fills a room. I marvel at seeing you light up and knowing
you want to make others feel good about themselves. You are so alive. Wholly
and truly full of life, and I watch people gravitate to that or move away and it
puts me in awe of you. You are sunshine. Even on a cloudy day. Among your
many virtues, the one I hold so dear is your absolute enthusiasm for being right
here, right now. It's contagious and wonderful. You shine. I pray it never
changes.
I admire that you have no need or interest in being
clever or playing games. Trying to describe such things to you would probably
be a little like trying to describe calculus to a two year old. It's nothing
that you can quantify or relate to and when that changes and you become aware I
hope you chose to remain the same and just keep on keeping on. You just have a
knack for cutting to the chase and have an innate sense to discover and measure
the true value against the situations that are presented to you and the
circumstances. You have impressed me over and over with your ability to do so
and to do it with humility. Most importantly, you ask it of yourself to find
higher meaning and purpose when it really matters and you hold your discoveries
close like sought after gems. I treasure that for you Morgan.
You have a fierce passion for defending the
underdog. Lord, I just pray it doesn't get you in too much trouble. Plenty of
that is in store for you. When somebody falls behind or is getting treated
badly, there you are. You jump in to participate in improving their situation,
without any hesitation or thought to your own betterment. You are fearless and
full of faith. It scares me for you but reinforces my own faith in you all the
same. When I try to envision what justice looks like I think back on some of
the battles you've stepped up to fight and it helps to shape that vision. You
are on the right side of things. You hold yourself with confidence and plunge
all in when you believe in something or somebody. When you're wrong, you're big
enough to apologize. Which is a tough one, I know. My Grampa Bill used
to compliment such people as having "guts and gumption." I hope that means
something to you. Maybe one of those things you can't put words to but just
know. I know you are certainly chalked full of both, Girl.
Along with all of your high points I get to see you
wrestle with your demons as well. Your Dad and I learned a long time ago that
there doesn't seem to be a $500 item for you in the discipline department. You
are your own worst disciplinarian. You make mistakes and accept your doled out punishments
in stride. In fact, you always seem to embrace them and come out better for the
whole experience. "Even when I'm naughty, you still love me." You used to
repeat that back to me when you were very small and had deliberately chosen to
not do what was expected of you, bargained for your consequence instead. Now,
you don't say the words but resonate the belief back to me. Giving you a solid
base in that has held me accountable to not only share that ideal with you but
to extend it to others as well. It took your innocence and dependence as a
child to help soften a lot of my long and hard held opinions. I hope you have
the resilience to ripple that belief and have the fortitude to stand strong in
who you are and continue to provide others the opportunity to let your light
break through and penetrate their defenses. You are a testament to me of
accepting ones self entirely and others with such genuine ease. Good and bad
and the whole shebang. Focusing on the good.
Which isn't to suggest that you are always the most
tolerant person. But I've always had complete trust in your instincts and
intuitions. Maybe not so much all of your methods, but you are a good judge on
calling a spade a spade. I do hope you find a more balanced approach to
settling the parts of this world you find offensive and contemptuous as life goes on. But please don't compromise your
instincts. Honor them always. Find a way to help and be of service. You will be amazed at what you discover in the process sweetheart.
Your Dad and I have come to loggerheads a hundred
times over parenting techniques and we will a hundred more times to come, but
our motives are separately conscientious and equally intended to have yours and
your sister and brothers best interest at heart. You will go along, day to day,
thinking you just get a few things figured out, and then life hits you with all
kinds of new and interesting opportunities. I made four lunches this morning, for example, and asked everyone, "green beans or broccoli?" with little baggies ready for
only those two options. I get to you and you blurt out, "Pickles!!" You know?
Pickles wasn't even on the vegetable menu today, or my radar. But that's who you are Morgan.
You are pickles. Just kidding. You're not pickles, but you are choices that I haven't even considered. And that's how it was
for me when you threw the door open and kept insisting you wanted to wrestle
competitively. Although nothing could have prepared us for the reality of that
happening, I appreciate so very much that it did. In hurling yourself into that
environment and putting yourself in those positions (figuratively and literally)
you have challenged every social norm I had accepted. Well, not accepted but
had chosen to quietly abide by. All of a sudden I was toe to toe with parts and pieces of life I
didn't think I would have to personally address or overcome. But I had to in
order to be able to support you and help you have an honest and positive
experience. You just don't know until you're smack dab in the middle of it
sometimes. Going through the messy process of breaking everything down and
tearing it apart to put it all back to together again. I'm not out there on the
mat. That is all you. But you kept pushing and I kept resisting and your
happiness depended on me seeing a different option. I had to see that I was
tied to cultivated standards that were conditional and false stereotypes that I
had given up swimming against the tide to. Those ties were betraying you. You put all of that before me in the
form of a question. For your sake, I had to get over all of that in a
hurry. Someday you will do the same and you will feel compelled to not out of
obligation but out of utter joy because the greatest blessing a parent can have
is knowing their child's happiness. That is the true essence of a lot of the
important growths that happen in life and the experience of parenting. In
parenting you, in particular. It isn't always going to fit what is easy. It
wasn't always convenient. I haven't always had all of the resources available.
It's been a challenge and I've had to struggle through a lot of what I had
accepted as "known." I've had to get quiet and listen to that part of myself that knew the truth and have the courage to act on it. Like you know from your experience in wrestling,
you don't know how it's going to turn out. Sometimes you just really hope you manage to come out on top. If not, you
learn. You, Morgan, are better for it all and I sure am better too. I love that I have gotten a chance to
know your happiness.
We haven't parented you with guilt or pride.
Something we have always tried to keep sight of is that You get to be You. You
get to define who Morgan Ellis is and is to become. I think that's helped us
all keep our priorities straight around here. You don't have a lot of "things"
to interfere or distract you from living and you don't have the best of the
"things" that you do have, but you do make the best of all that has been
provided to you. So-N-So gets a new ipod and a trip to the beach and you get a sack of bunny food. Which totally computes to me, on the other end of the spectrum. But, I'm not immune to the impact that has had on you amongst your
peers and the fact that it makes it difficult to identify with. I appreciate that you have shown your Dad and I nothing but respect,
understanding and love for our offerings and have asked it of yourself to find the middle ground
between feeling envious of others and feeling deprived by us. I know it's tough
and there are some constant decisions you have to make each day to hold onto our
families values. Some days I imagine that is a loose grip. I promise you, it will all come out in the wash. I enjoy the chances we get to talk and sort some of that out
and your enlightenment is always a blessing. A huge relief. Thank you for letting me down so easy. I can only hope you look back on
these years and feel like you were encouraged and enriched in
the things that mattered.
I try to take all of my wishes and hopes for you
and put them into practice so that they don't become empty and
meaningless. There are times when I feel like that preoccupies me from what you
really need. Someday you will lay awake at night wondering if you said the
right things and made the right things happen for your children. Know that I've been there honey. You will
temper all of your aspirations for them to the directions you see them moving
in. You will have to moderate all of the possibilities to the hours in the day,
how many underpants are clean, how much sleep you got last week, the food in the fridge and the amount
of money you have in your bank account. It's deliriously wonderful, grueling,
and defeating all at the same time. In those moments I want most of all for you
to know that you are enough, and then some. Because your daughter will wake you
in the morning and you will see her bright shining eyes and you will just be
gone with the wind and believe anything and everything is possible. Then you'll
set out to do it. Which is where your enthusiasm will be your greatest asset. That day will end and you will start it all over again
tomorrow. Those todays and tomorrows add up to be weeks and months and then years. So, sit in
the chaos and the silence of it all and know that, right now, you remind me that
being near is a gift to behold. Simple and true. Of all of the comforts I
could wish for you, the one thing I can do everything about is being with you
now. You demand that of me and don't settle for the distracted version of
myself, second best or lackluster. I recognize how fortunate I am that you want
to be with me, the genuine article. Right now. Thank you for holding me to that.
I hold a lot of respect for you. When your children are born, it's so easy to love them. To love on them. You don't know you will look across a wrestling mat one day and think to yourself, "Look at how she carries herself. Look at the leader she has become. She just executed a "country girl" perfectly. I didn't know I was raising this woman. The best kind of woman." When you were tiny I could teach you cute songs and how to paint flowers, and as your Mom, I have the unique advantage to reflect back on the things that you have learned and all of your leaps and bounds. You don't have the same perspective with me. If I have a bad day you might think I've always had those tendencies. If I have a great day you might think I grew up in the sunshine, spraying hoses at your brothers every day of my life, yucking it up. It's harder for you to have the insight I have to gauge how you have affected me. Sometimes I have to take a step back because I see myself so perfectly in you and it gets hard to separate. I am very cautious and careful about influencing you now. Now that you're so much older and wiser. Ha! So I think there is a lot that does go unsaid between us. Some of the ways we don't have to say anything are magical. You know my conscience and we have this clairvoyance between us Morgan and so I trust you know my heart, while you are figuring out your own and taking ownership of your life. While there are a lot of nuances to be learned from that, I forget that just because you know when I intend to make eggs you might not know that I intend love on you the best that I can from now until forever. I hold a lot respect for you but maybe I hold onto it a little too tightly in fear that it might change your direction. I've taught you a lot and have always been invested in you. Loving you was a given. Being loved by you has made me so much more than I ever could have been. You have earned my respect by all entitlements but my gratitude for you is my baptism.
If I have to look into the future for you I would guess it finds you continually growing and shaping your days with excitement about being alive and sharing your positive energy and productive attitude with all that you meet. I would wish for your family to have been able to continue to grow in love and support for each other. It is a great big world out there but I have the utmost confidence you will be making a difference. And while you are busy doing that please know that in our little world you are very big. I hope you would always see that you are a crucial instrument in helping to make this family happen. I would imagine you have affected others with your big heart and good spirit. I would bet that you are lovable, as always, and that so many others who find you endearing have been touched and lifted up by your light. Similarly, I imagine you have encountered others who are sad, bitter, angry and ugly and I hope you have found all kinds of ways to help them or circumnavigate those situations so that your heart doesn't get infected. I have always hoped you would be safe enough in your own skin to know that no-one ever has the right to make you feel like you are less so they can feel like they are more. Know that people will try. I hope that we have managed to continually have communication in regards to what it means to you to be the best person that you can be. I will always ask you to find yourself in a relationship with a higher power. Not to be a slave but to be grounded. I hope we've managed to sit you down and tell you all of the things I wished somebody would have told me about boyz. I trust you will find a relationship with your equal partner. Heaven help that person. Because I want for you to be loved as well as you love. Selfishly, I want to know you're laughing. Even if you're having a day at the beach, struggling through bills or helping at the woodpile. I pray that you are happy and you still have your sense of humor. That is the future I wish for you baby girl. You are going to make good things happen. I'm just here to help that along. Keep your chin up and keep it interesting.
You Are My Sunshine . . . .
You Are My Sunshine . . . .
Mama
